As you may have noticed, I haven't been blogging much this month and that's because I have an attitude problem (not to be confused with an altitude problem...though my head has been in the clouds most of this month.)
I have gotten to the point that I just can't post about positive stuff when I'm not feeling it. Plain and simple my RA is kicking my butt this year and I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of being achy, taking all kinds of meds, planning surgery and all of the rest of the things that go with having RA.
And I just want to stomp my feet and scream and holler about it...which won't solve things but maybe it would help me blow off some steam. I'm pissed...
I'm getting ready to have an ankle fusion, and I really don't want it. It's not just the surgery that scares me, it's being 39 and actually being 'sick' enough to warrant this surgery. I call RA an invisible disease but it seems the person I have the most convinced of that is myself. I keep waiting for the remission. I push the doctors, change my meds, try new things like acupuncture and yet nothing is working. This has truly been the most frustrating time of my life.
And slowly (or maybe quickly) as I standby and watch us not getting control of the RA I'm kissing joints away one by one...and it SCARES the hell out of me. If you had asked me after my elbow surgery if I would be contemplating an ankle surgery a year and a half later I would have been horrified...and yet, here I am.
When I'm done with this surgery I won't be able to bend my ankle...basically I won't have a joint at the ankle anymore...not to mention I will have at least 5 screws in there to hold things together.
I have done all I have been asked....I have played by the rules...is it to much to at this point to ask for a break? I'm going to Hawaii in April to celebrate our 15th anniversary...I don't care if I have to wear a cast and someone has to push me in a wheelchair, I'm going.
Now excuse me while I go and put my Christmas tree up...better early than never....
Giggles!
27 minutes ago
6 comments:
Melissa, I can relate to everything you are saying. I have been down in the same dumps lately. The last couple of weeks have been really painful for me, and I have spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself. Of course, you would think I don't have time to feel sorry for myself considering how busy my life is, but I do have time.
The days I am down in the dumps are the days that I want to hand my job resignation in and just stay home and be left alone, but I know I cannot do that. My family needs me to work. I have been looking for a PT position and have had no luck, and it has been very stressful because of my physical pain, working FT, taking care of my family, and working on my master's. I am not sure how I do it, but I do everyday. I just know I need to rest, and I don't have time for it.
What I am saying is -Hang in there. You are not alone. Feel free to vent on your blog anytime. I am listening so is the entire RA community.
oh you poor thing, I am sorry this is so horrible. I wish I could facebook it away or blog it away for you. Take care. Hawaii sounds fun!
A Christmas tree already!
I like your attitude. Hawaii is an awesome goal, and I like that you're sticking to your guns, regardless of where you are health-wise. I should send you a little clown to make you feel better. :)
Oh Melissa, I am so sorry. This really stinks!
Write negative posts if you need to so you know that we are here cheering you on and sending healing thoughts. They are coming and I believe they do help, even if in small amounts.
It sounds like you have worked really hard on improving your life this year which makes it that much worse when things aren't going well. It takes so much out of us grow and change and try new things. Maybe some of the things aren't showing up yet as working but will be revealed later. Hang in there.
Totally feeling you and hoping all will turn around soon. Hugs
I am so sorry you have had such a rough year. I can only imagine how difficult it is to live with RA and to deal with all of the impact that it has on your life. You are in my thoughts!
(And I so know what you mean . . . I have been in a bit of a "I can't say anything nice so I won't say anything at all" quite a lot lately - it sucks.)
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