Making Things Harder One Thing At a Time...

Alright, now get your minds out of the gutter (made you want to come and check this out didn't it?)

While visiting with my shrink lately she has harassed suggested that I write some of my feelings down and has asked that I write a letter to my doctor getting out all of my feelings and emotions...on one page. After that, she wanted me to attach said letter to a balloon, go to a safe place and let go of the balloon (and of the feelings.)

For those of you who know me in real life, you already know this is soooo not my kind of thing. I mean, I'm all about writing things down and getting them out...hence, this blog, my journal and the odd notebook you will find laying around my house. But when you start talking about balloons, restrictions to one page and a safe place, I break out in a cold sweat.

So the other day my shrink pushed brought it up again. So finally I sat down and wrote it. One page felt so good I decided another would feel even better, after 4 pages I thought it was time to stop...

So I went into therapy the next week all proud of myself, "I wrote the letter..." I told my shrink. And she looked at me and said, "did you let it go yet?" At which point I knew I was in trouble. Are you getting the idea my shrink is kind of a bitch? Yeah, me too!

So for the next 10 minutes I listen to "you aren't ready to let go of the relationship" and "you are resisting." When what I wanted to say to her "hey, what color balloons are appropriate for letting go of one's feelings?" Somehow I didn't quite think this would be an appropriate question. So I let it go and tucked the idea in my back pocket and muddled it over for a week or so.

As I got closer to my next appointment I thought that I really need to get this done so I wouldn't get yelled at next time...and this is where my not being totally invested in this project really came through.

I sat down to print the letter and I couldn't get the printer to work. After a half hour I finally printed a copy (had to make sure no typos...what happens if someone read it). I decided at that point I needed coffee and decided to stall and head off to Starbucks. Then I knuckled down to brass tacks and went to the balloon store. Seriously, what color balloon is appropriate...I mean I really didn't want to associate a party balloon with a "I'm sending my feelings away" balloon. I chose black, isn't black always supposed to be appropriate? I purchased 3 balloons, tried to get them to the car (yeah, 30mph wind day) and then took off for a safe place.

I get in the car and attach the 4 page letter to the 3 balloons and then spend the next 20 minutes worrying if the balloons are actually going to float.

I get to the river walk where I plan to release the balloons and then test them to see if they will fly. I can just imagine letting the letter and balloons go and them plopping into the river....and then the fishermen down the way from me saying "lady, I catch your letter and balloons" and me having to start this all over again.

So, I walk down the river with my 3 black balloons...yeah, real inconspicuous...looking for an empty place where I can do this thing on my own. I stand there for a minute feeling like a fool and let go of the ribbon. It nicely floats away into the sky as I'm screaming in my head "FLOAT, DAMN YOU!" No, this wasn't a stressful moment at all...

And then wham, this lady walks up to me with a dog and says, "I just saw you let go of your balloons." Uhm yeah, nothing like having a moment to myself. I said "yeah" and then tried to hold myself together as she let her mini beagle looking dog try to lick my nose. She stayed for a minute (I'm sure thinking she was consoling me) and then said she had to leave.

I turned around watched my balloons get sucked up into the clouds and disappear and on the way back to my car I just had to laugh, I'm sure when my shrink suggested this whole endeavor this couldn't possibly be what she had in mind...

Isn't it amazing when we think we are going to have the most difficult time we walk away laughing...thank goodness, and those three black balloons.