Ya Gotta Wanna....

I used to tag along with a friend to AA meetings about 15 years ago. At the end of the meetings they would stand up and say the Serenity Prayer and then say...

"it works when you work it"

Seems like a little statement, kind of a blow off, or maybe it's just to obvious because before this week, I really didn't get it. I mean really, if you're going to AA aren't you already working it?

Maybe not, I've been going to therapy for 7 months and I have recently found that I haven't "been working it." I very desperately wanted to stop about a month ago, I knew I was going to need to make some big changes and I didn't want to. It's so easy to say that the shrink doesn't know what she's talking about, or the problem is someone else and not me.

Uhm yeah, the shrink knows what she's taking about and the problem is me. It was pointed out to me this week that I need to make some serious changes and if I don't...well, lets just say my sanity/life might be on the line.

And it was finally serious enough that I thought, "oh $hit, things have to change." I have to find out what is making me feel so out of control and destructive. And amazingly, when I wanted to see what was happening, *POOF* there it was. And can I tell you what an epiphany it was? It was almost like a "well, duh!" moment. Like how could I have not seen this before now....

Things I've learned this week....

* Once you have lost trust, you can't gain it back....EVER.

* Even though I make bad choices, if I own up to them, say sorry and learn from them...my family and friends will support and love me....even though I feel as if I don't deserve it.

* Modeling behavior really does work...and if your lucky enough when you need it modeled back to you the person will remember and do exactly that.

* I don't need everyone in my life to like me.

* Sometimes I don't understand what my shrink is talking about and I need to ask more questions.

* If someone is touching you and it makes you feel uncomfortable you need to speak up, not continue to take it in stride....again, if someone is saying something that makes you uncomfortable you should do the same.

* You can't change the past by trying to relive it differently in the future. Somehow you need to move past it...I'm still figuring this one out....

This is the first time in a long time that I can't wait to see my therapist next week. I have so many questions to ask her.

I hope these breakthrough's mean I am on the road to true recovery because I start with a new doctor on the 15th and could very well be having surgery very soon. I need to be as sane as possible to get through the changes.

Please wish me luck...